I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
