my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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