On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
