I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You ever have a fart follow you around?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
