I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
