Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
