Apparently you make a good broom.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
