Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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