grandma shit on top of the toilet
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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