I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
