i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
