I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
