it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
