so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize