Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
When did angry sex become our thing?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
