I can't watch pbs sober anymore
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
