I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
