I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
