Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
