At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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