They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
