dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
