Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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