can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
