i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
