do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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