Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
