You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
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I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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