I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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