bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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