I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
