I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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