I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
