Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
