i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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