I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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