wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
