Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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