cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
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I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
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I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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