Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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