I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
