If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
