This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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