before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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