dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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