we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
