Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
