Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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