Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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