I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
