i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
The best revenge is premature balding
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
