They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
