well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
