i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
