At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
