just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
